A memoir to the man who never loved me.
First and foremost, I want to thank you for not loving me. I know it sounds crazy, but by choosing not to love me, you helped me to love myself and to know real love when another man presented it to me. Thank you for that. Now I know a gentle touch when I feel one, now I know a passionate kiss when I receive one, now I know genuine love when it embeds itself like tattoo ink in skin. Thank you for telling me I’m not good enough, thank you for laughing as I begged for your love, thank you for not showing up to the hospital when I lost our second child, thank you for instilling reality into me, thank you for helping me see how foolish and desperate I once was. I needed you; without you, I wouldn’t know hurt and better yet, how to heal from it. You showed me darkness and at the time, I was convinced it was all I’d ever know. But no, I know so many things now.
I know I’m beautiful, I know I’m intelligent, I know I am a unique woman full of wonder and depth, I know I’m a good mother and a good wife, I know I’m perfectly imperfect, I know these things because you told me I was none of those things, but true love proved otherwise.
You hurt me, and I let you get away with it. Still, to this day, I wish you no harm. I harbor no hatred in my heart. To be honest… you aren’t even worthy of my hate. I tried to hate you. I tried to wish you the worst; I once prayed you would endure the hell you put me through. But it did me no good. Instead, I took all the energy I used to hate you with, and began to use it towards my own positive change. I grew. Scratch that, I bloomed. You probably thought I’d love you forever, and that I would always be waiting around for you to reciprocate the feelings I felt towards you.
You thought wrong. People say, “Oh, you must hate him.” But how can I hate someone who no longer exists? You don’t live within me anymore… therefore, I am freed of you. I let you, the memories, the pain, the loss, the fear, the betrayal, I let it all go. Maybe one day, we will pass as mere strangers on the street. I won’t look away, I won’t cry, I’ll simply smile and say, “thank you.”
And you will always wonder why…
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